How NOT to live in NYC

Let me preface this by saying...

I know many of you, upon reading this, will suggest lifestyle changes.

Such as: take a breather, walk more slowly, be more aware of your surroundings, find certain places to place certain items, relax, BE MORE RESPONSIBLE GOSH DARN IT.
My mother will tell you that I am totally aware of these things. It's just that…at this day in my life, I was incapable of following this piece of advice. So indulge me as I openly complain about my irresponsible actions.

If you take away anything, take away how NOT to live in New York City.
--
Today I rushed out of class, in the middle of class, in a frenzy, realizing that I needed to place an important order via the internet.
I ran out to the nearest McDonalds to use their wifi (Starbucks are ALWAYS so CROWDED!) and stood in line to order something because I felt obligated to, in order to use their internet. After I sat down with my post-breakfast, pre-lunch McDonalds at 10 AM, I placed the order via the internet, and ran back out to class.

HEY THIS IS SO CREEPY!

Not walked, ran. Like not-classy, not-keeping-my-cool, “I’m late for class!” kind of run. This was my signature campus sprint across UNI back in the days...(aka a few months ago)...many times carrying a flute, saxophone, clarinet, and backpack.

En route, I lost my debit card.
1) LOST DEBIT CARD!

NOTE: Generic Card. My name is not "LEE CARDHOLDER"

(ALSO ARE YOU CRAZY WHY WOULD I PUT MY REAL DEBIT CARD ON HERE?!)

(ALSO I LOST IT REMEMBER?)

After class, I went into the nearest Starbucks (Cappuccino was WORTH the crowds at this point..) to cancel my debit card. Then I realized I was late to the post office for an important package I needed to mail. So I RAN there.
Through the sweaty, muggy subway system. This was accompanied by “Sorry! Excuse me! Sorry! Teehee!”
Yes, the "teehee" is a necessary bonus to seem innocent. When really, I'm just a crazy running jerk.
After the post office, I headed to Verizon.

I was going to exchange a phone accessory. Ironically, I realized, I had lost my phone between Subway and Post office!

2) LOST PHONE!
It is still gone, by the way. I tried calling it. No one picked up. SO I retraced my steps, to no avail, then came back, even sweatier, to Verizon. I had a little teary diva fit for the Verizon Man, which was coupled with laughter, and more tears and laughter. So Verizon Man had a good time, I think. Either that or his smile really was an “I don’t know how to treat an insane person” look.

NEXT I went to the Subway station to go back home. Too preoccupied in my own thoughts, I took the train downtown instead of uptown. I was also rehearsing something, out loud, so I got many stares. But what the HECK. That's NORMAL in NY…that is one thing that I will take advantage of..the normalcy of talking to myself in public. Sad but true, people!

3) TOOK THE WRONG TRAIN!

Reenactment. I'm the guy in the blue sweater.

When I FINALLY made it home, I was greeted by a gigantic rainstorm outside the station, and I had no umbrella. I think this was a good thing, actually. I delicately adorned my head with a blue best buy sack and ran (not walked…RAN) back to my apartment.

4) GOT CAUGHT WEARING A PLASTIC BAG FOR A HAIR ACCESSORY!
Lastly, when I finally reached my room, with mascara running all over my face from the rain and maybe tears--but mostly rain, I swear--I dumped out my entire bag on my already-messy floor. My goal was to try and find—if at ALL possible—my phone. And I did not find my phone, but what I did find…
My Japanese Seafood Udon Noodle soup had spilled all over my pictures and laptop!
5) FISH-SMELLING KEYBOARD AND PHOTO ALBUM
Hoorah!

Hey, it's better than something I ate the other day called "BIM BAM BUM"

And now I am here. But I am actually having a good time. Because here are some GOOD things!

1) By the time I had called in to cancel my debit card, someone had already cancelled it for me, and a new one was already in the process of being shipped
2) I’ve lived without a cell phone for a good portion of my life. So….I’ll survive.
3) Whoever saw me running with black mascara streaks and a plastic bag hat, I hope you enjoyed the show. Next time, tickets aren’t free. I’ll accept cash, or debit (or MY debit, if you have it
4) My pictures/laptop are eau de scallop..you know, like in Legally Blonde, when she puts perfume on her pink resume? Yeah, basically same idea, right?

5) I have two arms and two legs, which are functioning. I have a lot of great people in my life. I have a roof over my head, and food. Look, even my laptop gets fed (sea)food. There is a lot to be thankful for.

That being said…I think I might start following some of my mom’s advice. You know, about living a slower life and all. :)

YOUR MOM. (ok, my mom)

MOM

Recently, I flew back to Iowa for two weeks to spend time with my family. It was soSOsoSo great to see them.

I mean, I am very lucky to have a family like them. Is it weird to not ever get bored of or sick of your family?

AHHH im so uncool i mean my parents are ok i guess i dunno it's not like i hang out with them.

once you get older, does it become acceptable again? I can't help it! They are very entertaining.

Mom dancing on the table @ the Indian restaurant during last Dec on her 27th** bday party

**see below

MOM is a total drama queen. but it's all good. I taught her well. The day after I flew back, I watched her in a local community theatre production, Neil Simon's "Plaza Suite".

She was very, very animated onstage. Some people probably watched and thought, "My, how good she is at acting animated and overly dramatic! The exuberant hand motions--the heartfelt reactions to multiple crises! What a CHARACTER!"

While my sister and I were sitting here thinking. "Okay...is she even acting?"

(my mom thinks these pics make her look "ugly and like a middle aged woman...which I am NOT, by the way!!!" ) Ever since I can remember, my mom has been 27 years old. The older I get, the more disgusting that thought is.

So it was really fun watching Mom. PLUS, it was directed by my HS Drama Director, Mrs. Halane Cummings! Who said, "Now I see where Eva got it from."

Compliment taken.

on another note, Mom just recently set a Guiness World Record with her high school Biology Club that she founded. She is a bio teacher. Actually, she is the modern-day Ms. Frizzle, basically.

(you know Ms. Frizzle from "The Magic School Bus." Don't PRETEND like you didn't watch it! I know you did! Or at least played the computer games! They had multiple ones--nature, solar system, human body, planets, etc. In the human body one there was a cool game you could play where they equated the functions of the liver to a car wash. I was addicted. And now I have revealed too much)

the only difference is there is NO WAY she has planets on her dress. Because neither my mother nor I share an affinity for astronomy. In fact, I got SO STINKING FRUSTRATED with the dumb planets during my Astronomy Class at UNI!! Because unlike music or math, SATURN doesn't come NATURALLY to me! My professor was actually very good. He was hilarious, and brought toys to use as class examples. In fact, he wore a little belt buckle with the planets on it.

THEY DON'T SELL THOSE THINGS at Urban Outfitters!! IT is probably specially-made for ASTRONOMY PROFS!

So anyway, on May 11th, 2011, my mom set a record for "The largest amount of people completing jumping jacks for two minutes straight" with the CPU K-12 students. She got around 1000 (??) students to complete j.jacks simultaneously for 2 mins straight.

It sounds really random. And partially, it is! But it was for the purpose of raising health awareness.

In the local news here:

http://www.vintoniowa.org/articles/Your+Neighbors/article103510.html

LASTLY

Mom had been driving my car while I was in NY, and when I came back, there was a skeleton in the back seat. For those of you who have met my mother, you know that I am indeed telling the truth.

Hello, skeleton!

Generic Skeleton Photo.

She claims it was for the science classroom. I liked it so much that since I've been back I have started hauling a skeleton around the NY subway system. Mother knows best!